I am having a meltdown.

I am having a meltdown.

   I use to tell myself after reading the experiences of other people on the spectrum ‘Well, at least I don’t have meltdowns”. Then I remembered, there were times when I would be doing my computer programming and I would make a typo in my code, ruining hours of work. On these occasions, I would deliberately tense myself up as much as I can, with the intent to give myself an aneurysm or heart attack, just to escape from it all. Sometimes afterwards I would have to go lie down. Well, I guess I do have meltdowns.
   I don’t do this anymore – how did I change this behavior? There are different angles in approaching this.
First – where does the distress come from – attachment. You see – I am not married and have no children, so I do not need a lot of money, just enough to get by. Working extra just to accumulate more money has no interest to me. If I had a family or dependents to support I would feel differently, but I don’t. What I want is free time. I would rather cultivate more free time than have more money. So when I screw up my computer program and have to do that work over again, I am loosing free time. I am attached to that desire, so I go bonkers. So the first step is to release your attachment. When you feel a meltdown coming on, examine what it is you feel that you are loosing that brings upon the distress. Remember one of the three marks of existence – all things are impermanent. Whatever is causing the distress will not last, it will eventually go away. So – do not become attached to whatever you feel you are loosing (in my case free time) and know the situation will not last (after I re-do my work I will have my free time).
   But how do you deal with the meltdown when it is happening? This is where the mindfulness technique of going to the breath is helpful. When you feel that rush of voltage through your system, start counting your breaths, in – out, in – out, count, one, two, three, four. The more times you do this, new neural pathways are created in the brain, so with practice, when that voltage starts flooding your nervous system, it becomes easier to go to the breath, rather than, in my case – trying to give myself a heart attack or aneurysm.
   Another mindful technique in these situations is to remember the duality of the mind. When we are engulfed in these experiences, go to the part of the mind that is the ‘observer’ of what is happening, rather than the part of the mind that is experiencing what is happening. Again, this becomes easier the more times you do it. I found Eckhart Tolle’s book ‘The Power of Now’ to be a very good guide in learning this technique.
   Well – I hope some of you find this helpful, and I know every now and then it feels good to really let the fur fly – sometimes that’s when I feel alive.

THE TRAIN RIDE TO LOVING KINDNESS

THE TRAIN RIDE TO LOVING KINDNESS

   When I wrote my second post ‘The Train Ride to Oblivion’, I thought the story had a happy ending. Well, that turns out not to be the case. Even though I was able to use mindfulness to calm myself down to the point where I could deal with it, I wasn’t able to calm myself down to the point where the people around me could deal with it. I did not know that there would be collateral damage.
   What could I have done do get to the next level. I used mindfulness to turn inward and deal with myself. What I was missing was loving-kindness mindfulness, where you look outside of yourself to extend peace to all.
   May all beings be happy, may all beings be at peace, may all beings be free from suffering. What does that mean? My all beings be free from suffering, including ourselves. The Buddha said that all comparisons that we make of ourselves to others (whether better, worse or equal) is conceit, and should be avoided. This is hard for me, because the first step in accepting myself, is identifying myself. I am someone who has the brain wiring of aspergers. For the longest time I hated this thing that set me apart from others and warped my life in ways I could not understand. I hated it with every fiber of my being for a very long time. But I now know, it wasn’t the aspergers that was causing my suffering, but the hate.

A paraphrase of Buddhist teachings:
“You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.”

 But how can I not compare my self to others to deal with it? I must remember what I said in my third post – A MATTER OF LOOKING INTO THE EYES, I must remember that the light that shines within all of us is the same. Where did I get this? Eckhart Tolle talks about the duality of mind, there is the part of the mind that experiences life, and the part of the mind that observes the experience. The observer is the same in all of us, it makes no difference how rich we are, how poor we are, whether we have autism, ADD, mania or are gregarious, it makes no difference to the observer, it is the same in all of us.
   So next time when my mind is racing out of control, I will remember that it is not just me that needs to be healed, but that those around me are just as important. I will have less attachment to whatever it is I am expecting. May all beings be happy, may all beings be at peace, may all beings be free from suffering.

THE DARK ROOM

THE DARK ROOM

"When we realize the extent of the myriad interconnections which link us to all other life, we realize that our existence only becomes meaningful through interaction with, and in relation to, others."

  When I started this path, I felt like I was in a dark room, and to make this room light up, I needed to ‘connect’. Now my scientific mind looked at this word ‘connect’ and thought of an electrical circuit, like a light switch, it is either on or off. So if I work hard to connect to the rest of humanity, I will make the connection, the switch will be turned on, and my room will be brightly lit.
   I now know that this is wrong, When I would judge my standing with humanity, I would either be connected and fine, or not connected and completely rejected and alone and useless. I thought about my relationship with the word ‘connected’ and realized that it was wrong.
  I now see that my room was never dark, it always had some light. Each person in my life is like a light shining in my room, but my room is still not as bright as I would like it to be. I now understand that to make other peoples light shine brighter in my room, I must expose them to my light. I must remove as much of the blinders I use to keep people from seeing my true self and let them see my true light as brightly as possible. Now, I know when I do this, some people will be taken aback by the shades of my light and move away, but others will be drawn in. And as more people move closer to my light, their light shines brighter and brighter in my room, taking away the darkness.
   Now my room is more brightly then it has ever been.
   Hopefully some day, One other person’s light will get so close to me that our lights will merge, and we will shine as one.

WHAT ARE WORDS FOR?

WHAT ARE WORDS FOR?

   I see words as primarily a tool to communicate facts. That is how I use them. When I would arrive at a social gathering, people will engage in chit chat, small talk, inane conversation that appears to serve no purpose to me. I didn’t understand how people humored themselves in this manner, I mean , fuck ‘em if they need a joke. I usually would remain quiet until I notice someone is talking about something that I know something about and I interject some ‘fact’s that I know with the belief I will enlighten them and further their understanding and they will be grateful for my contribution.

a Daoist quote:
“A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker.”
The Buddha says:
“Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.”

   I now know that this is wrong, that for most people, words are tool to foment and define group associations, and that ‘facts’ are secondary to that goal.
   Now to me this all sounds very strange, but it explains a lot.
   I have learned on one and one communication that bonding is made by common emotional themes, not by facts.
   I’ve gone out of my way to avoid be defined by any ‘group’. I do not eat meat, but I am not a vegetarian.
I have eschewed drugs, alcohol and promiscuity, but I am not straight edge. I meditate and study the four noble truths, but I am not a Buddhist, I do not believe in a personal God, but I am not an Atheist. Maybe because when I was young and did not like my standing in the group so I rejected them. When I left high school I had a great passion for a particular style of music and was able to find a group identity based on that, and the fact that I could babble on and on about the bands I liked wasn’t based upon any attempt to conform to a group, it had that effect and I found myself part of ‘group’. Now scenes come and go and other people find a new ‘group’ to associate with. But, as typical in aspergers, my tastes and opinions not being based on a group think remain static, unchanging. If I like a band, I will always like it.

A paraphrase of the Kalama Sutta, says:
“Believe nothing just because a so-called wise person said it. Believe nothing just because a belief is generally held. Believe nothing just because it is said in ancient books. Believe nothing just because it is said to be of divine origin. Believe nothing just because someone else believes it. Believe only what you yourself test and judge to be true.”

   This explains a lot in my life that was confusing to me. Only once in my life, about two years ago, did anyone set me up with someone. I always wondered why this was case, now I know. Other people introduce other people to the other people in their ‘group’. Since I avoided a ‘group’,. I was out of the loop.
Who people decide to hook up with is significantly influenced by these group cohesions.
   When I would get into fact based scientific conversations with people, I would be frustrated that  a coherent fact-based argument would be rejected, because for other people, the facts matter not independently what they convey, but whether they affirm the point of view of  group they belong to, or reject the point of view of the outside group (No, I am not talking about you!).
   It is difficult for aspies to be part of a ‘group’
   In the past I would always put my best self forward when confronted with a group, pretending to be more confident and together than I really am.  Now I find myself, maybe for the first time in my life, becoming part of a group, a bunch of tattooed meditating Buddhist atheists.   The irony is that this time I am being more vulnerable than I ever have, presenting an image maybe weaker than I really am.
   I’ve always avoided using the inside terms and language that people within a group tend to use to foment social cohesion.  But I’ll give it a try – Metta to all

“The Buddha says wise speech has five characteristics:

Well-intended – Comes from goodwill, not ill will; constructive; aimed to build up, not tear down

True – Not overstated, taken out of context, or blown-up out of proportion

Beneficial – Helps things get better, not worse (even if it takes a while)

Timely – Not driven by impulsivity; rests on a foundation that creates a good chance of it being truly heard

Not harsh – It could be firm, pointed, or intense; it could confront mistreatment or injustice; anger could be acknowledged; but it is not prosecutorial, nasty, inflammatory, dismissive, disdainful, or snarky.”

Much of the information from this post comes from the book:
A Field Guide to Earthlings: An autistic/Asperger view of neurotypical behavior by Ian Ford
http://www.amazon.com/Field-Guide-Earthlings-neurotypical-ebook/dp/B004EPYUV2

http://www.amazon.com/Fuck-They-Cant-Take-Joke/dp/B00008FPHO/ref=ntt_mus_dp_dpt_8

A MATTER OF LOOKING INTO THE EYES

A MATTER OF LOOKING INTO THE EYES

Early on in my life, I ad a difficult time looking into people’s eyes. When I would look into people’s eyes when we were talking, I would be overcome with fear and turn away. This made it difficult for me to see facial expressions and learn what they meant. I thought I could get away with it, but over time I learned that wasn't working and that if I wanted to improve things I would have to force myself to look people in the eyes when we had conversations.  Over time I have become at ease with it and it is no longer a problem, although I still sometimes get confused as too how long to hold a gaze and have to use some energy to do it, and when I am speaking in a very emotional personal manner it still sometimes impossible.

I've thought about other people in the same situation and what I can come up with to help them, and me.

Eckhart Tolle talks about the ‘duality of the mind’, that there is part of the mind that experiences reality, and another part that observes what the observing part of the mind is experiencing.

The first universal truth of Buddhism states: Nothing is lost in the universe:
“The first truth is that nothing is lost in the universe. Matter turns into energy, energy turns into matter. A dead leaf turns into soil. A seed sprouts and becomes a new plant. Old solar systems disintegrate and turn into cosmic rays. We are born of our parents, our children are born of us.

We are the same as plants, as trees, as other people, as the rain that falls. We consist of that which is around us, we are the same as everything. If we destroy something around us, we destroy ourselves. If we cheat another, we cheat ourselves. Understanding this truth, the Buddha and his disciples never killed any animal.”

The part of the mind that observes is like a light that shines within us. The source of that light is the same for everyone, and burns just a brightly in all of us. Stoic philosophy states: “All people are manifestations of the one universal spirit”. That light may make it’s way through us in different paths and ours may appear differently to the outside world, but it is the same. The path the light takes is not fixed and whatever is within us that keeps it from shining bright can be removed. Our light may take a different path, but it can shine as bright as any other. The observer is the same in all of us, it makes no difference how rich we are, how poor we are, whether we have autism, ADD, mania or are gregarious, it makes no difference to the observer, it is the same in all of us.

The Bhagavad Gita says:
“He who experiences the unity of life sees his own Self in all beings, and all beings in his own Self, and looks on everything with an impartial eye.”

When you look into someone’s eyes, you see the same light that is within us, you see the same source, you see yourself. Do not be afraid to look someone in the eyes.

The first entry of the Noble Eight-fold Path is the Right View: “The right way to think about life is to see the world through the eyes of the Buddha--with wisdom and compassion”

If you gaze at another with that wisdom and compassion, the fear will go away.

For further info on how the light within us reaches it’s way out in different paths for each of us I suggest this article:
http://healthland.time.com/2013/06/27/unique-brain-pattern-could-predict-autism-in-youngest-children/

The Train Ride to Oblivion

The Train Ride to Oblivion.

On some of these posts I am going to talk about how my asbergers syndrome negatively effects my life and how the ‘practice’ (meditation and other mindful techniques) helps me get through it.

I was invited to go to an event in downtown LA.  The event was to start at 7pm on a Friday.  The plan was to meet at a Sushi place before the show on the 21st floor of a downtown office building. I was told that the people I would be meeting would arrive there around 6, and I was told that they would call me before they leave, around 5:30, and if I was done for work for the day I could leave then. My plan was to get there between 6-6:30, enjoy the view, have a cocktail and eat some sushi and go to the show. I was looking forward to seeing the view. Now, I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, so I have to plan when I eat around the times I travel, I do not want to eat before I do any traveling, but when I get there it is OK. Now on top of that, I am also hypoglycemic, so when I don’t eat, I start to shake and sweat and get nervous.

OK, it is 5:30, no phone call. I assume they are running late and will call me when they eventually leave. I do not want to leave without knowing they have left because I don’t want to be there alone and feel stupid and awkward standing by myself in place full of strangers not knowing what to do with myself (I am not going to introduce myself to a stranger, that would be unthinkable – I’ll explain why in a later post).

OK, 5:45, still no call. I am getting nervous. Concentrate on the breath to stop your thoughts from running and be the observer of your nervousness and do not let it take over you.

OK, 6pm, still no call. I’ll text them and ask when they are leaving. They respond – “You mean to the band – 6:50”

Holy shit, they are at the Sushi place! Now I got to rush and get my shit together. I hate rushing, I’m nervous enough as it is.
On the train I decide to text them. I think carefully how to phrase it – you see the anger is welling up inside me. My emotions are either at 0% to 100% and I can feel the anger meter moving quickly into the red zone.
Why? Because my plan is now fucked up. One of the asberger characteristics is adherence to a plan and any deviation from that plan can cause great stress. I know I would not arrive there until 6:50, and that was when they were planning to leave the Sushi place for the show, so not only is my plan fucked up, but theirs is also. That’s two fucked up plans, that’s twice the angst. I try to be diplomatic in my text, not to be angry or  put any one down or insult. I just state that I was expecting a call before you left and was looking forward to seeing the view and plan to stay at the Sushi place for 10-15 minutes after I arrive. I had two passes to the show and I was giving the second one to someone I was meeting there, so they had to wait for me. I send the text and get no response.

I am sitting on the train and the worst case possible scenarios are running through my head. What is the worst case? That when I get there they will insist on leaving for the show right away because it is 6:50 and that was their plan (everyone adheres the plan, right, RIGHT!)  What would that mean? That I am shit, I am insignificant, that my feelings and desires are meaningless. If that is what they insist my plan is to tell them to go fuck themselves and I am out of here and I have to except the fact that I have no friends and am not fit to mingle with polite society.

Ok, the anger meter is now at 100% and people are starting to look at me funny. Back to the practice – focus on the breath, observe the anger, do not become absorbed by it. I remind myself that I am getting upset over something in the future that may or may not happen and that is a waste of time. This calms me down greatly, and I am able to enjoy the rest of the ride until the final destination.

Ok, I arrive at the place, I get in the elevator to the 21st floor. I am shaking. In a few moments I am going to find out whether I am piece of shit who’s feelings are insignificant and if that is the case why should I even remain sticking around in this stinking world. That is what’s at stake when I get off this elevator. Sounds rational, doesn't it?

Well I get off. I find my party. I do not yell or throw things, I greet them and explain that I have to eat something and I want to look at the view, AND THAT I WAS EXPECTING A PHONE CALL!!!!
I though I was doing pretty good but apparently not because they could tell I was pretty upset. Well, they help me order the Sushi and give me a swig of tequila and the person who was suppose to call me apologizes. When they were waiting for me to finish my Sushi, I felt great pleasure that I was making them wait when they wanted to go, and I told them. They said ‘Whatever makes you feel better’. It did.
Well, I guess I am not shit. We went to the show and enjoyed ourselves.

I bet you can’t wait to invite me out again.

For another perspective on how aspie's ashere to the plan check out this wonderful blog: "Musings of an Aspie" http://musingsofanaspie.com/2013/02/21/my-no-reflex/

For more information on how to use mindful techniques in stressful situations I suggest the book 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle: http://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1372599830&sr=1-1

The Intention of Indulgement

I have been looking at Buddhist teachings in regards to addiction, about helping people who live with to much excess, and have been re-working them so that they apply to people who live their lives with too much restraint - this is what I have so far:

The Intention of Indulgement

What do we turn to to avoid what we need to face to find true happiness and fulfillment, for many people it is the pursuit of pleasures – drugs, alcohol, sex, consumerism, gambling, etc. But for some of us we turn to avoidance – the security and safety of being in a familiar place and not taking the risks necessary for a life truly in the middle path.  Our addiction is avoidance, clinging to the belief that remaining in a familiar ‘safe’ place will lead to happiness, but it inevitably will not

These ideas if Indulgement runs contrary to the way of the atypical mind. The way of the atypical mind is the way of avoidance, and the unenlightened who follow this way flow with the current of avoidance, seeking happiness by avoiding the objects in which they imagine they will find fear. The message of indulgement states exactly the opposite: the pull of avoidance is to be resisted and eventually abandoned. Avoidance is to be abandoned not because it is morally evil but because it is a root of suffering.[17] Thus indulgement, turning away from denile and its drive for safety, becomes the key to happiness, to freedom from the hold of inertia.

This does not demand that everyone leave the household life for the party or  to discard all sense security on the spot. The degree to which a person renounces depends on his or her disposition and situation. But what remains as a guiding principle is this: that the attainment of deliverance requires the complete eradication of fear, and progress along the path is accelerated to the extent that one overcomes fear. Breaking free from domination by avoidance may not be easy, but the difficulty does not abrogate the necessity. Since avoidance is a source of dukkha, putting an end to dukkha depends on eliminating avoidance, and that involves directing the mind to indulgement.

But it is just at this point, when one tries to let go of attachment, that one encounters a powerful inner resistance. The mind does not want to relinquish its hold on the objects to which it has become attached. For such a long time it has been accustomed to gaining, grasping, and holding, that it seems impossible to break these habits by an act of will. One might agree to the need for indulgement, might want to leave attachment behind, but when the call is actually sounded the mind recoils and continues to move in the grip of its avoidances.

So the problem arises of how to break the shackles of avoidance. Do not offer as a solution the method of excess — the attempt to drive avoidance away with a mind full of pleasure and excess. This approach does not resolve the problem but only pushes it below the surface, where it continues to thrive. The key  to free the mind from avoidance is understanding. Real indulgement is not a matter of compelling ourselves to consume things still inwardly feared, but of changing our perspective on them so that they no longer bind us. When we understand the nature of avoidance, when we investigate it closely with keen attention, avoidance falls away by itself, without need for struggle.

To understand avoidance in such a way that we can loosen its hold, we need to see that avoidance is invariably bound up with dukkha. The whole phenomenon of avoidance, with its cycle of fear and security, hangs on our way of seeing things. We remain in bondage to avoidance because we see it as our means to happiness. If we can look at avoidance from a different angle, its force will be abated, resulting in the move towards indulgement. What is needed to alter perception is something called "wise consideration" (yoniso manasikara). Just as perception influences thought, so thought can influence perception. Our usual perceptions are tinged with "unwise consideration" (ayoniso manasikara). We ordinarily look only at the surfaces of things, scan them in terms of our immediate interests and wants; only rarely do we dig into the roots of our denile or explore their short-term beneifts. To set this straight calls for wise consideration: looking into the hidden undertones to our actions, exploring their results, evaluating the worthiness of our goals. In this investigation our concern must not be with what is unpleasant but with what is true. We have to be prepared and willing to discover what is true even at the cost of our comfort. For real security always lies on the side of truth, not on the side of comfort.

When avoidance is scrutinized closely, we find that it is constantly shadowed by dukkha. Sometimes dukkha appears as pain or irritation; often it lies low as a constant strain of discontent. But the two — avoidance and dukkha — are inseparable concomitants. We can confirm this for ourselves by considering the whole cycle of avoidance. At the moment avoidance springs up it creates in us a sense of lack, the pain of fear. To end this pain we struggle to fulfill the avoidance. If our effort fails, we experience frustration, disappointment, sometimes despair. But even the pleasure of success is not unqualified. We worry that we might lose the ground we have gained. We feel driven to secure our position, to safeguard our territory, to gain more, to rise higher, to establish tighter controls. The demands of avoidance seem endless, and each avoidance demands the eternal: it wants the things we avoid to last forever. But all the objects of avoidance are impermanent. Whether it be safety, security, familiarity, or stasis, change is inevitable, and the pain that accompanies change is proportional to the force of attachment: strong attachment brings much suffering; little attachment brings little suffering; no attachment brings no suffering.[18]

Contemplating the dukkha inherent in avoidance is one way to incline the mind to indulgement. Another way is to contemplate directly the benefits flowing from indulgement. To move from avoidance to indulgement is not, as might be imagined, to move from happiness to grief, from abundance to destitution. It is to pass from gross isolation to an exalted happiness and peace, from a condition of servitude to one of self-mastery. Avoidance ultimately breeds fear and sorrow, but indulgement gives fearlessness and joy. It promotes the accomplishment of all three stages of the threefold training: it purifies conduct, aids concentration, and nourishes the seed of wisdom. The entire course of practice from start to finish can in fact be seen as an evolving process of indulgement culminating in Nibbana as the ultimate stage of relinquishment, "the relinquishing of all foundations of existence" (sabb'upadhipatinissagga).

When we methodically contemplate the dangers of avoidance and the benefits of indulgement, gradually we steer our mind away from the domination of avoidance. Fears are shed like the leaves of a tree, naturally and spontaneously. The changes do not come suddenly, but when there is persistent practice, there is no doubt that they will come. Through repeated contemplation one thought knocks away another, the intention of indulgement dislodges the intention of avoidance.

This piece is based upon the "The Intention of Renunciation" by Pablo Das, the original can be found here: http://mindfullasd.blogspot.com/2013/06/the-intention-of-renunciation.html

The Intention of Renunciation

(posted by Pablo Das on Facebook)

My favorite piece on renunciation 
from Bhikkhu Bodhi's book "the noble eightfold path"

The Intention of Renunciation
The Buddha describes his teaching as running contrary to the way of the world. The way of the world is the way of desire, and the unenlightened who follow this way flow with the current of desire, seeking happiness by pursuing the objects in which they imagine they will find fulfillment. The Buddha's message of renunciation states exactly the opposite: the pull of desire is to be resisted and eventually abandoned. Desire is to be abandoned not because it is morally evil but because it is a root of suffering.[17] Thus renunciation, turning away from craving and its drive for gratification, becomes the key to happiness, to freedom from the hold of attachment.

The Buddha does not demand that everyone leave the household life for the monastery or ask his followers to discard all sense enjoyments on the spot. The degree to which a person renounces depends on his or her disposition and situation. But what remains as a guiding principle is this: that the attainment of deliverance requires the complete eradication of craving, and progress along the path is accelerated to the extent that one overcomes craving. Breaking free from domination by desire may not be easy, but the difficulty does not abrogate the necessity. Since craving is the origin of dukkha, putting an end to dukkha depends on eliminating craving, and that involves directing the mind to renunciation.

But it is just at this point, when one tries to let go of attachment, that one encounters a powerful inner resistance. The mind does not want to relinquish its hold on the objects to which it has become attached. For such a long time it has been accustomed to gaining, grasping, and holding, that it seems impossible to break these habits by an act of will. One might agree to the need for renunciation, might want to leave attachment behind, but when the call is actually sounded the mind recoils and continues to move in the grip of its desires.

So the problem arises of how to break the shackles of desire. The Buddha does not offer as a solution the method of repression — the attempt to drive desire away with a mind full of fear and loathing. This approach does not resolve the problem but only pushes it below the surface, where it continues to thrive. The tool the Buddha holds out to free the mind from desire is understanding. Real renunciation is not a matter of compelling ourselves to give up things still inwardly cherished, but of changing our perspective on them so that they no longer bind us. When we understand the nature of desire, when we investigate it closely with keen attention, desire falls away by itself, without need for struggle.

To understand desire in such a way that we can loosen its hold, we need to see that desire is invariably bound up with dukkha. The whole phenomenon of desire, with its cycle of wanting and gratification, hangs on our way of seeing things. We remain in bondage to desire because we see it as our means to happiness. If we can look at desire from a different angle, its force will be abated, resulting in the move towards renunciation. What is needed to alter perception is something called "wise consideration" (yoniso manasikara). Just as perception influences thought, so thought can influence perception. Our usual perceptions are tinged with "unwise consideration" (ayoniso manasikara). We ordinarily look only at the surfaces of things, scan them in terms of our immediate interests and wants; only rarely do we dig into the roots of our involvements or explore their long-range consequences. To set this straight calls for wise consideration: looking into the hidden undertones to our actions, exploring their results, evaluating the worthiness of our goals. In this investigation our concern must not be with what is pleasant but with what is true. We have to be prepared and willing to discover what is true even at the cost of our comfort. For real security always lies on the side of truth, not on the side of comfort.

When desire is scrutinized closely, we find that it is constantly shadowed by dukkha. Sometimes dukkha appears as pain or irritation; often it lies low as a constant strain of discontent. But the two — desire and dukkha — are inseparable concomitants. We can confirm this for ourselves by considering the whole cycle of desire. At the moment desire springs up it creates in us a sense of lack, the pain of want. To end this pain we struggle to fulfill the desire. If our effort fails, we experience frustration, disappointment, sometimes despair. But even the pleasure of success is not unqualified. We worry that we might lose the ground we have gained. We feel driven to secure our position, to safeguard our territory, to gain more, to rise higher, to establish tighter controls. The demands of desire seem endless, and each desire demands the eternal: it wants the things we get to last forever. But all the objects of desire are impermanent. Whether it be wealth, power, position, or other persons, separation is inevitable, and the pain that accompanies separation is proportional to the force of attachment: strong attachment brings much suffering; little attachment brings little suffering; no attachment brings no suffering.[18]

Contemplating the dukkha inherent in desire is one way to incline the mind to renunciation. Another way is to contemplate directly the benefits flowing from renunciation. To move from desire to renunciation is not, as might be imagined, to move from happiness to grief, from abundance to destitution. It is to pass from gross, entangling pleasures to an exalted happiness and peace, from a condition of servitude to one of self-mastery. Desire ultimately breeds fear and sorrow, but renunciation gives fearlessness and joy. It promotes the accomplishment of all three stages of the threefold training: it purifies conduct, aids concentration, and nourishes the seed of wisdom. The entire course of practice from start to finish can in fact be seen as an evolving process of renunciation culminating in Nibbana as the ultimate stage of relinquishment, "the relinquishing of all foundations of existence" (sabb'upadhipatinissagga).

When we methodically contemplate the dangers of desire and the benefits of renunciation, gradually we steer our mind away from the domination of desire. Attachments are shed like the leaves of a tree, naturally and spontaneously. The changes do not come suddenly, but when there is persistent practice, there is no doubt that they will come. Through repeated contemplation one thought knocks away another, the intention of renunciation dislodges the intention of desire.